X-Men Origins: Wolverine - movie review

entertaining but not memorable.

that's pretty much the bottom line, so feel free to stop reading at anytime...

years ago, while i was still basking in the afterglow of the X-Men trilogy, i heard through the imdb.com grapevine that a Wolverine movie was in the works. my love of Hugh Jackman combined with my childhood memories of the animated series had me totally hyped for this movie. i highly doubted it could actually reach - much less exceed - the high expectations of X-Men fans but i knew i'd be shelling out some cashmoney to watch it on the big screen. even the piss-poor, mid-30s rating it got on rottentomatoes.com couldn't deter me. i heard Liev Schreiber was wonderfully vengeful as Sabretooth and that in itself was worth the ticket... plus, Jackman was fucking jacked, man - did you see those commercials of him bursting out of the tank in wet and sexy fury?!

but i digress. and need to take a cold shower. i don't want to give a ton away in case you haven't seen the movie and still plan to, so i'll make a few points instead:

- the opening scene and credits provide a quick but effective glimpse into Wolverine's past. there are "ohhh i see" moments and an underlying feeling of sorrow for the child whose human existence was replaced by a mutant future in a single explosion of rage. HOWEVER, this walk down memory lane lasted just a few minutes! granted, it did lead into a very cool montage of Wolverine and his brother fighting in various wars, but i think a deeper delving into his childhood would have built his character in a way that the previous X-Men movies did not.

- the chase scenes, the explosions, all very well and good. but occasionally, the CGI was shockingly poor. one scene in particular - in which Wolverine owes his elderly hosts some new porcelain - had the worst-looking adamantium claws i've ever seen. they looked like they were either painted on or lifted from a South Park episode. terrible. also... trying to make Professor X look young - ugh. looked like a rookie Photoshop job.

- Wolverine and his wife had zero chemistry on screen. it was awkward. and when the couple has no chemistry, it's hard to care when something tragic happens. you can't tell me that there weren't hundreds of other gals waiting in line to be his on-screen wife! surely there was someone else whose kisses with him wouldn't look like they resulted from a bad spin of the bottle.

- the debut of Gambit left something to be desired. his style, attitude, and kinetic powers were fairly well done but i was hoping for someone a little more chiseled and a lot more charming. like a younger version of that dude from the Dos Equis commercials ("stay thirsty, my friends").

X-Men Origins: Wolverine still contained the cleverness and fun that fans came to expect. but it lacked the oomph that turns a decent action flick into an awesome superhero movie. some of the new characters and plot twists seemed tacked on or simply there to satisfy the regulars on X-Men internet forums. it's impossible to bring in all the characters people want to see. all in all, i feel it may have been better to build a small cast well instead of a large cast half-heartedly.

90s alternative music

the other day i had a sudden urge to listen to some alternative tunes that were popular back when i was in grade school. i went on youtube, typed in whatever i could remember and was led through playlists upon playlists, all of which reminded me of this great time in music history - especially for canadian bands. remember these gems??

"Remote Control" - Age of Electric
"Incarnate" - Watchmen
"My Old Self" - Wide Mouth Mason
"Caught a Lite Sneeze" - Tori Amos
and anything from I Mother Earth's album Scenery & Fish

shit, i wish the quality of popular music maintained itself throughout these new generations. where are the poetic lyrics? the layers of musicality and the artistic videos? none of the songs in the above list sound anything like each other. each group/artist expressed their unique sound, seemingly for the sake of expressing it. this is not so today. there seems to be this push to prove oneself as a celebrity first and a rockstar second. not only that, but rockstar doesn't necessarily equal musician or artist.

today's generation wants to be entertained and immediately gratified. the song doesn't need artistry if it has a catchy hook, suggestive lyrics, and a seizure-inducing video to match. case in point: "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga - it has spent 19 weeks so far on the Billboard's Top 100. upon searching for the lyrics to this masterpiece, here' s what i found (note: if you know the song, don't sing along, just read it like a poem):

- - -
I wanna hold 'em like they do in Texas Plays
Fold 'em let 'em hit me, raise it baby, stay with me (I love it)
Luck and intuition play the cards with spades to start
And after he's been hooked, I'll play the one that's on his heart

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got

Can't read my, can't read my
No he can't read my poker face (she's got me like nobody)
Can't read my, can't read my
No he can't read my poker face (she's got me like nobody)
- - -

incredible isn't it? like stepping into a lyrical wonderland.

now, there's nothing wrong with repetition because by its description, pop music nearly requires some repeats. but at least add a decent melody to the words! 3 of the 4 lines in that first verse are one note - that is not singing, that is melodic talking. and barely that. you hear more musicality when a congregation of church-goers recite the Apostles' Creed. you get more complexity from the prepubescent rantings of suburban emo children. anyway... i could go on. the point is, i am not a fan of pop music today (dur). and i long for the days of 90s alternative. ohh, remember "Andromeda" by Zuckerbaby? and "Salvation" by the Cranberries?!

Juicy Fruit

so they've brought back the classic juicy fruit jingle with a little pop-country twang. the song, however, is noticeably lacking the best lyric from the original jingle:

"take a sniff, pull it out/ the taste is gonna move you when you pop it in your mouth..."

if this isn't a sign of the decline of our society i don't know what is. apparently, back in the 80s, that line did not make people giggle. go figure.

Ultimate Fighters who can't cut weight

this bothers me to no end. we're nine seasons into The Ultimate Fighter reality show, and still contestants are coming in overweight - so overweight, that they're unable to cut enough to make it onto the show and are forced to give up their spots. cutting weight is not a foreign concept to these fighters. even as single-art young bucks fighting in tournaments at local hockey arenas, they had to cut weight. so by the time they hit the big show, it should be down to a science for them.

but alas... like Clay Guida's brother before them, two contestants this season were overweight, and one couldn't safely cut enough poundage and had to forfeit. even if the fighters don't win the show, likely they'll be given at least one chance in the Octogan. you get your shot unless you're one of the first to be cut or you do something stupid (e.g. Noah's mistake of love for jealousy or that ginger boy who jumped the fence to meet some Vegas Vagina). so why in the world would you risk your best shot at becoming pro just for a few extra beers and Big Macs?

my sibling has been in the competitive bodybuilding world for many years, both as a trainer and as a competitor. so i have seen first-hand how difficult and dangerous cutting weight can be. but my argument is not against how easy it is because i know it isn't. my argument is against those whose road to athletic glory winds through this tough task and yet on the eve of achieving their goal, they fall short because of too much weight. ultimately i just think it's disrespectful...to the UFC, to the other fighters, to the fans, and to the sport itself. competitors sacrifice jobs, homes, and time with their families to train and diet down into competitive shape. but then there are those who don't do enough preparatory work. they're given this incredible opportunity to break into the most successful arena for mixed martial arts, and throw it away for the sake of a few extra nights at the pub. i guess i should be thankful that these chubsters are in the minority. but really, they should be in the history books.

Corner Gas - farewell to one of the best

yesterday (Monday, April 13th, 2009) marked the end of an era; Corner Gas, the most successful Canadian sitcom to enter global living rooms, said good-bye after six LoL seasons. it ended the way it began and thrived - with everyday characters, tons of laughs, and no shocking bombshells. every episode, incuding the series finale, was self-contained, beginning and ending within itself. and you didn't need to watch the episodes in any particular order. this will make re-runs all the more enjoyable...if somewhat saddening since they ARE only re-runs. part of me wishes the show could go on forever but i know that the length of a show is often inversely related to its success. i am (reluctantly) glad that Corner Gas ended before it jumped the shark. i would have hated to see such a great and humourous show suffer a slow death... *whispers: the Simpsons.

so what made Corner Gas so successful? my humble opinion is obviously that of a fan and not an unbiased TV critic. but bear with me...

- the humour of the show is that of regular joe people - regular joe FUNNY people, but regular nonetheless. there was wit, sarcasm, and Oscar's frequent calls of 'jackass!' and it was nothing totally out of the ordinary. watching the show was like spending half an hour with a group of your funniest friends. effortless, every day, and very, very comfortable.

- the small Prairie town of Dog River was still with-it and modern: new cars, internet, cell phones. the people could be any one in your average suburban community...except they watch games and clink beers at THE bar instead of A bar.

- they never began any romances between the characters. not that it wouldn't have been easy as most of the main characters were young, single people. early on, the show hinted at a romance between Brent and Lacey but the writers let it remain as friendship, and thank goodness for that. i imagine a lot of fans would have liked to see it happen - the whole fairy tale happy ending thing - but it would have changed the show too much. the episodes would no longer be self-contained and the plotlines would grow complicated. it would lose the everyday fun that made the show what it was.

Corner Gas never strayed from its original vision. it was a small town Canadian sitcom, accessible to an audience of kids, grandparents, and everyone in between. the show stayed fun, simple, and never preachy. but most of all, Corner Gas never tried to be more than what it was. they gave us six years of great laughs and for that, i thank them. you've been great, good night!

Pontypool - movie review

an eerie, disturbing horror-drama that leaves your skin crawling long after you leave the theatre. it's a zombie flick sans zombies - at least for about the first two-thirds of the movie. and the premise itself - that the infectious virus is spread through certain words of the English language - is absurd to the point of ridiculousness. and yet, after the credits rolled and we walked the empty streets to the car, i found myself resisting the urge to look over my shoulder...
these days, Hollywood churns out flashy ADD blockbusters like they're going out of style - which they should be. today's audience demands immediate gratification, and the unfortunate by-product is characters that lack depth, unnecessary CGI, and plotlines so formulaic you could plug them into a Pythagorean Theorem (for an example of all three, see Transformers). don't get me wrong, i'm not into the super-artsy, hybrid-driving, eco-friendly, film student stuff. sure, i've watched my share of indie movies and legitimate documentaries, but i'm as excited for the Wolverine movie as any 20-year-old male undergrad.

that being said, Pontypool was a refreshing new take on the pop culture horror flick. the cast, minimal in itself, spent the entire movie on one set - a ho-hum church basement slash talk radio station. and leading the way through this audio creepfest was the gravel-voiced radio host, Grant Mazzy (played by Stephen McHattie). as frantic callers inform Mazzy and his crew of two about the growing chaos outside, the audience listens helplessly as their imaginations conjure mental images to match the fear-stricken stories. blood-soaked teenagers speaking in infant voices, neighbours babbling senseless gibberish, mobs of the infected swarming people in their cars. but the most effective communication in this writer's view was the use of an audiograph to accentuate the play-by-play of the station's reporter on the street, Ken Loney (played by Rick Roberts ). hunkered down, reporting as much as he can before his inevitable demise, Loney describes a small Ontario town descending into animalistic madness. Mazzy and his crew are torn between the need for more information and the fear for their friend's life and safety. Mazzy holds a cell phone to the radio mic, and Loney's panicked voice - barely held in check - is shown as a series of spiky blue lines on a black computer screen. the sound is deep-seated emotion but the visual is raw, detached. an inhuman but honest representation of terror and panic. the audience is forced to listen to the words of this man which underscores the deadliness of the virus itself - those who are infected are those who chose to listen.

Pontypool disturbed its audience without gory scenes or cheap surprises, and maintained a deep-set feeling of unease throughout. minimal set and a tiny cast, incredible scripting and unmatched ambience. even when the movie's dark humour provided some genuine laughs, that off-putting feeling of uncertainty would quickly flow back in...and remain until, well - i'll let you know when it's gone.

Junie Browning's Crazy Ass

so junie browning had a short and unremarkable stint in the Octagon this week. i'm an avid follower of The Ultimate Fighter series and have been watching the show since it began. i'm impressed and very pleased by the way TUF has blown up and how its success has rippled out to the UFC and MMA as a whole. but the antics of junie browning? come on...

i understand that crazy shit sells, and that the main demographic of Spike TV is probably attracted to junie-esque hijinx. you pack a Vegas mansion full of testosterone-spiked fighters, take away their phones, their families, their sex and yes - you will end up with over-the-top action full of anger and/or grossness. they spill their seed on a japanese delicacy, create effigies to demolish, and destroy the artwork and architecture in the mansion. but junie was at a completely different level. at the time of the show, he wasn't emotionally or cognitively prepared for what was ahead of him. and i think that may be troublesome for two reasons:

1. he's embarking on a new and scary ride by entering the life of the professional MMA fighter. taken from his old life, he's thrust into the spotlight with screaming fans and big money; his destiny is in the hands of the successful but ruthless big heads of the UFC. is someone who is that emotionally and mentally unstable fit for such a lifestyle? if he becomes successful and has more money, more pressure, and more ladies tossed his way, will he be able to react appropriately? i hope that in the time between the show and now, he's gotten the help he needs. yes, i have heard that he's addressed his drinking problem - but with every major life change comes both new and old ghosts to haunt you every night. i guess time will tell whether he's truly come around or not.

2. these young dudes are the new faces of the UFC. they should represent the organization and the sport in the best and most respectable way possible. MMA has come a long way from tournaments in backwater towns that pit one martial art against another. it's rough and it's brutal but it's also calculated and technical. it has safeguards and professionalism. it's both a sport and a business, and the athletes who represent it should reflect that. it bothers me that someone who doesn't know or respect MMA could channel surf to TUF and see someone like junie going off the deep end (figuratively and literally), and that his actions would validate their negative views of the sport. grasping for ratings is one thing, but i'm certain they can find weird and interesting characters to fill the mansion without resorting to someone whose actions may slow the progress of MMA toward a respectable household name.

i hope boys like junie and jesse taylor can get their shit under control and prove their worth as fighters and men. one thing about the UFC, if you've got talent and are not insubordinate, they'll give you your chance(s) in the Octagon. junie has time for redemption. but the clock is ticking...