Sleep Paralysis: A Waking Nightmare

Taken from the Mayo Clinic website: "Sleep paralysis - People with narcolepsy often experience a temporary inability to move or speak while falling asleep or upon waking. These episodes are usually brief — lasting one or two minutes — but can be frightening.... Because you may be semi-awake when you begin dreaming, you experience your dreams as reality, and they may be particularly vivid and frightening."

I recently had a discussion with a friend about sleep paralysis. It's a condition by which I have been affected for many years and it's like a waking nightmare. In the dream, your environment is familiar, your thoughts are lucid, but then a terrifying, inexplicable event takes place - right out of a horror movie - and you realize you're sleeping. But you can't move and you can't make yourself wake up no matter how hard you try.

Just this morning I experienced a bout of sleep paralysis. I was in a bedroom painted purple, standing and facing the wall. From outside the door, I heard a high-pitched, inhuman growling sound like a saw blade combined with a pig squealing; it sounded frantic or angry...perhaps eager. Accompanying this growling was the sound of hooves furiously stomping outside the door. At this point, I knew I was sleeping and I strongly felt that I had to wake up before that door opened. With much effort, I was able to move my arms and was pinching and pulling at myself to try and awaken. Thankfully I did, but even when I was lying awake in my bed looking around, I could hear that horrible growling sound just beginning to fade.

I remember my sleep paralysis dreams very well. Once I was frozen on the couch and little black shadows kept running across my body. Another time I was in my university apartment and a hole opened in the ceiling and a woman crawled out from it upside-down. It is commonly thought that people who believe they are haunted, possessed or have been abducted, are actually experiencing sleep paralysis. I for one have a hard enough time dealing with the memories, knowing that they're a dream. I can't imagine what it must be like for someone who believes those visions, those sounds to be real.

21 Jump Street - a movie review

refreshingly funny! i was beginning to lose hope in Hollywood comedies. as of late, the laughs - while genuine - tended to be few and far (and farther) between. but this revamped 21 Jump Street delivered as promised, and i for one was relieved.

the story was modernized and the characters likeable and fun. the movie poked fun at itself: drawing attention to its cliches and wide-release obligations. however, it didn't reach the point of self-deprecation - a finer balance than we give comedy writers credit for.

the jokes were flowing, the action was exciting, and Channing Tatum was handsome - i begrudgingly admit. overall, a highly entertaining comedy!

Rage of the Day - greeting cards

come on, Hallmark. really? oh, it's a woman's bday. better make a card about sagging body parts or chocolate bonbons. how about father's day? nothing more unique than a card about beer, duct tape and golf. and if it's not some painfully lame joke, it's a ridiculous flowery poem that a normal human being wouldn't write to their hippie english prof, let alone someone they supposedly love.

finding a card that's actually funny is akin to loosing a genuine chuckle at the saturday comics. i envision sweater-clad mid-Westerners wearing loafers and chortling in self-satisfaction at the card layout on their Windows 97 system.

why do greeting cards suck so much? standing in front of hundreds of terrible cards, trying to look for one even partly acceptable fills me with exasperated rage. as the clock ticks by, the floor-leve bar i set for card quality begins to lower and lower until i no longer care about the cornball message about 'wisdom with age' or the tired, tired joke about candles being a fire hazard. i just grab and go lest the store's lameness rub off on me and i start cracking jokes about farts and fire extinguishers.

can we not find a new social convention to replace stupid greeting cards? post-it note, used napking, old movie ticket...? with every passing milestone, i fear for the safety of Hallmark cashiers.

and that dear Reader, is my Rage of the Day.

Drive - a movie review

if you want flashy Hollywood action and insane stunts, go watch The Transporter. Drive, starring the ever-rising frontman Ryan Gosling, is not The Transporter. it is the stripped-down, unglamourized story of an ordinary man experiencing a quick descent into chaos.

the most striking feature of this film is the silence. audiences are usually bombarded with empty, unnatural dialogue and thumping background music. Drive utilizes silence, pauses and speaking voices tuned down to library level. it forces the watcher to think and reflect on the developing story - quite unlike the formulaic messages repeated ad nauseum in most movies today. it was clear from audience reaction that people are uncomfortable with having to quietly reflect on the grim realities of dangerous jobs and the things we do to eke out a living.

Drive will follow in the footsteps of the largely underrated Clooney film, The American. both stories illustrated the realities of people in occupations that seem glamourous: well-dressed assassin or criminal driver for hire. Hollywood would usually have you believe such people are wealthy, powerful individuals surrounded by both opulence and friends. not so. both characters were lonely with no roots, no wealth, no direction. it wasn't until, in their humanity, they attempted to reach out for the warmth of another person - and in trying to bridge this gap in their lives, they fell into a deeper darkness.

pop culture and the average movie-going audience will not appreciate Drive. it is a quietly intense thriller with subtle dialogue and realistic violence that has nothing gratuitous about it. it is uncomfortable and contemplative: two states of being sadly lacking in today's society.

two throttles up.

Rage of the Day: handsfree headsets

let me be clear that i FULLY support handsfree headsets for cellphone use while driving. i have worked with car accident victims for a number of years and have seen my share of cellphone-caused collisions. while driving in your car, please use a headset even if it's not the law where you live.

but that being said...

what is with people who walk around with these sticks in their ears when both hands are available to hold their phone? in Chapters, some dude was pacing through the stacks, arms swinging freely, while he trumpted into his bluetooth with undue self-importance. the volume of his voice was already grinding my gears let alone the fact that he felt it necessary to use his headset while his hands were idle.

yesterday, i watched a man having dinner with his wife, sitting across from her at the table with his big black headset stuck to his face. the nylon shorts/faded t-shirt combo suggested that he was not a Wall Street businessman, at least not that day, but really...at the dinner table? my hackles go up when i see kiddos listening to their iPods at the table, how much more for this try-hard?

handsfree headsets are commonplace. soon enough, they'll be prizes in cereal boxes or sliding out of bubblegum machines. they are meant to facilitate safer driving while talking on a cellphone. they may even cause less strain on the neck/shoulder area if one is speaking on a cell while doing computer work. they do indeed have a purpose. but that purpose is not to make you look flashy, important or successful. your actions determine that.

and really. how cool can a bluetooth be if both your grandma and your fourth-grader have better ones than you?

that, dear Reader, is my rage of the day.

Rage of the Day: hollering kiddos

it's not screaming children in malls that grinds my gears. it's the screaming children that are given whatever it is they're screaming about that really gets to me.

case in point: a side-by-side stroller with two toddlers completely losing their melons over "ice creeeeeaam!!!" little tear-stained faces imploring pity from the passers-by - myself included. no dice, little man. when i was in that spot, hollering for something, i was given one warning. one strike and i was out. out to the car and back home. my parents gave no empty threats and rewarded good or even decent behaviour but certainly not red-faced, screaming tantrums. i hope to learn from my parents and enact the same discipline on my (eventual) little rugrats.

i walked by the family a few minutes later. mom pushing the stroller, dad bent in front of the kiddos offering them gigantic, beautiful ice cream cones.

more screaming ensued.

and that, dear Reader, is my rage of the day.

The Etiquette Guide for Live UFC Events

the crowd is amped, the Octagon is lit up, and the air horn signals the start of the round. you've paid good money to watch the most skilled, exciting mixed martial artists tear it up right in front of you. and then you hear it: "jab! come on! jab!"

the young man two seats down is screaming 'advice' at Jose Aldo, one of the best fighters in the game right now.

"one, one two!" he yells, oblivious to the annoyed looks being thrown his way. perhaps all those whiskey coolers have clouded his judgment. otherwise he would realize that

1) Jose Aldo does not need boxing 101 advice
2) we're in the second level of the SkyDome and there's no way Aldo can hear him
3) even if Aldo needed the help and could hear it, he doesn't speak English.

this is number one on the etiquette list - do not try to coach the fighters and certainly do not repeatedly scream your expert tips at them throughout
the night. sure, discuss and analyze the fight with your friends and seatmates, if they choose to engage in such a conversation. but unless you're at least semi-professional or a member of a genuine fighting camp, keep the coaching to a minimum because you're just pissing off the spectators around you and making yourself look like a noob in the process.

number two - save the booing for boo-worthy moments. have you ever watched classic Pride fights? the Japanese crowd rarely boos. they rarely make any sounds, true, but there's far more respect for the fight in that audience. Western crowds boo when the fighters are pushing against the cage for 30 seconds. they boo when someone pulls guard and tries to control posture. and has it really come to this? they boo when someone is not born in the same country as them. WOW. enough. the SkyDome crowd wasn't as bad as some groups have been, and this was no small feat considering the sheer size of that crowd. but i still didn't want to be THAT audience. i was hoping for respectful, appreciative fans that judged the skill and the excitement and not the birth certificate. and on a side note, please learn the basics of the ground game prior to watching a live fight. if you want pure stand-up and nothing else, go watch K1 or boxing.

this is not an XBOX game or a highlight montage. real fights are strategic and calculated as well as exciting. if you could rise to the top of MMA just by scrapping and throwing haymakers, then well-muscled YouTube stars would own this sport. and they do not. there's often more going on in the moments between huge KOs or before amazing submissions. learn THAT game. because it's that footwork, those small postural changes, and that miniscule setup that sets the stage for the finishes you love.